“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
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Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Optional boss fight.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”