“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
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Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.