bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
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Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
wait.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
this is how life feels
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.