candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
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My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
welcome back