Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
You Might Also Like
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?