I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
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“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous