I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
You Might Also Like
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Animal poetry
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments