*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
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[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
called in thicc to work this morning
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys