Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
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This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.