Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
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well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
me, too, girl. me, too.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
giddy up Office Depot
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it