“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
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If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
i hope my email finds you on fire
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water