I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
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*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
got so much cardio in today
Our lord and savoury.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
That time Alicia messaged me
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
pat pat
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.