I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
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*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
❤️❤️❤️
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!