*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
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Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat