I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
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Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Damn he played himself
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
he looks great for his age
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…