I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
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[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
next level snooze
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.