@lisaOoOo: I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
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@ReticentTurnip: JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn't work out as you hoped ME: Well I got two English degrees
@DopeyMeme: Emailing teachers be like Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar* Professor: "sure" -sent from my iPhone
@Kyle_Raney: [hospital] "We found the problem. There's an entire sheep in your stomach." "Is that bahahaad?" "Yes. It's causing some internal bleating."
@_troyjohnson: Historic moments in rap. Jay W [username taken] Jay X [username taken] Jay Y [username taken] Jay Z