I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
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Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Plant care tips
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?