My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
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Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Denise please return my vape pen
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background