I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
You Might Also Like
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good