@ericsshadow: I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
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@TheAlexNevil: "Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that's not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can't miss it." -every gas station attendant
@pixelatedboat: Fact: Bernie Sanders won't release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
@bmarked21: My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.