@ericsshadow: I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
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@RdrJay47: Me: I'd like to adopt that baby. Clerk: Sir, that's a family sized platter of Super Nachos.
@duumb: [kidnapper asking for ransom] pay by 6 pm or i start sending u his fingers [gf trying to unlock my phone] can u start with his right thumb
@blade_funner: SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
@SodomyClown: The worst feeling in the world is being in love with somebody that knows how to untie rope and run away while you're napping.