I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
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SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.