i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Guy who likes music
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.