i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
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Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Ha
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Morning my dudes.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.