I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
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[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Wait a minute
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?