8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
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The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?