I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
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Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.