@samalmightysam: I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
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@Harpers_Halo: When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
@OhNoSheTwitnt: The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
@kelkulus: Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.