I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
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*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Every haunted house movie:
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I can also cook 😂
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix