i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
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if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
That’s it.I’m out.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*