Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
You Might Also Like
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
mom had nothing to worry about
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Sharon, call the vet
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now