My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
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*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Yup
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it