I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
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I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL