3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
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“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
True.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.