I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
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I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…