I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
You Might Also Like
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.