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hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.