@mstern68: I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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@SirEviscerate: ME: Here's your Mickey Mouse pancake HER: This isn't Mickey Mouse shaped ME: I suppose you'd think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
@andreeahluscu: Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.
@Tmoney68: Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said "We do our business in your mouth" and I haven't stopped laughing.