@mstern68: I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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@aparnapkin: I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
@imdaintyaf: [Dog yoga class] Teacher: Alright, let's go into downward human pose [Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
@Beatonm5: ...a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck..., if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.