I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
This is the best one I’ve seen
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.