@mstern68: I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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@LazyChank: Explained to my client that he shouldn't put "urgent" in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as "urgent urgent".
@krustythe_klown: WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
@Brianhopecomedy: You're probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
@wolfpupy: i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won