I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Never forget.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
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