@JasonLastname: Accidentally pronounced wifi as "wifey" and the hotel concierge said the password's helping out around the house and being a good listener.

@Karate_Horse: [robbery in progress in the store I'm at] *quickly remembers training from karate school* *bows to robber* *is kicked in head so hard*

@hobo_hands: Having swords for arms was a terrible first wish but it was a genie and I blurt weird things out when I panic.

@UNTRESOR: Condoleeza Rice's less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

@Dutch_50: Instructions in the Men's Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can't be bothered unless there's an opportunity to learn stuff.