@Vinnie_Maselli: [holds up bread] "This is my body" [holds up wine] "this is my blood" [holds up puppy] "and this is my new pet" [apostles go fricken nuts]

@AndrewNadeau0: INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff. TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

@ThisOneSayz: *getting caught filling up neighbor's trash can* Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?

@rhysjamesy: So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

@_ironworx_: Stop tweeting MORNING WOOD jokes! You get followed by timber accounts and woodpeckers. Unless you’re building an Ark. In that case carry on