@LaceyNycole: I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
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@Home_Halfway: Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he's boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
@TheToddWilliams: [waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I? "Don't worry. You're home in America" But…I'm Swedish! "World Emperor Trump will explain everything"
@Stellacopter: If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.