Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
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You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.