WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
You Might Also Like
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Jogging
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK