I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
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Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”