I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
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It has been 3 years since Monday.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.