I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
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Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.