I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
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I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
How to properly lift a body
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.