Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
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Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
🖤✌🏽
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.