i was baptized in a car wash
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Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted