I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
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[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake