@pixelatedboat: I was bitten by a crow, since then I've had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
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@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: I really like you ME: I like you too HER: So did you bring protection? ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
@tchrquotes: Ate my wife's chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn't like those but guess what guys they weren't coffee flavored.
@rolldiggity: 1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench. 2. Place an envelope beside him. 3. Whisper, "It has to look like an accident." 4. Walk away.
@Marlebean: When you hear your kid shout "HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!" you know it's about to go down.