@pixelatedboat: I was bitten by a crow, since then I've had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
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@Brampersandon_: [Me]: *slams fork & knife down on table* Not cool, babe. [Wife]: You didn't honestly think there'd be weed in your pot pie, did you?
@OtherDanOBrien: Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books? Me: Have you? Friend: No. Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
@the_moonface: Maybe if we start smacking people when they say something stupid, evolution will eventually create a delay between thinking and speaking.