I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
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ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
My dream job is getting paid to dream
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood