I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
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Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Anime is real
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”