I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
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My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
B
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA