I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
You Might Also Like
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
This made me chuckle.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
this will hang in the louvre one day
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.